The Picture

Since I’ve been feeling emotionally unstable these last few weeks (maybe I’m bipolar), I’ll just take this moment to bore you with a post.

The Dress and The Remembered Photo

I remember a picture. I don’t know why this crossed my mind today. I’m sitting on my father’s bed. I’m not looking at the camera happily. I can’t remember the time of day, maybe it was late afternoon, early evening, I’d have to see the picture to be certain. In the picture, you can see my scrawny little three or five year old legs, sticking out from the confines of my panties and pampers. The dress I’m wearing is an old favourite, striped with approximately three coulours. Faded rose pink, dirty yellow, and discoloured white. The thing is I can’t be sure if I’m even remembering the right picture, because what hits me is not the photo, but the feeling coming out of it. I look so lost, ragged and desolate.

The dress I remember from the picture, is a bit significant to me. That was the dress I was wearing when I told my uncle no. Remembering that moment leaves my head a bit muddled. It confuses me, because if I could have said no then, why didn’t I do so the other two times? I can’t even sort through the emotions from that olden time because I’ve spent so much time telling myself how I should feel, how I do feel, and how I am, that the actual feeling is lost. Or maybe in truth, I’m just too afraid to confront what I felt.

My mind has become such a cacophony of emotions. They literally make me feel light-headed and disoriented. I stand still for a moment, an emotion crosses my mind, and I feel confused. Emotionally writing never works for me, unless its poetry. There’s something about the rhythm of a poem that keeps me grounded. It makes me feel, but not feel overwhelmingly.

 

Well, that was a fun experiment. Tackling a bit of memory. I’ve got to go search for the picture. In the meantime, I’m going to go back to the distracting things I love to do. I can be so unfocused sometimes. Even my writing is travelling in weird disjointed tracks. So on a lighter note, I’m going to let my geek side out tonight. My cousins and I will be blasting enemies in Call of Duty:MW3 and shooting hoops from the comfort of the reclining sofa. Have a great day if you’re dropping in!!

20 thoughts on “The Picture

  1. Thank you for sharing about the photo. You write very beautifully. I could picture the photo with my own eyes. Your description and commentary is sad, haunting, honest, and raw.

    I feel the same way about poetry. The only time writing seems to be cathartic for me is when it’s written in poetry form. I’m not sure what it is.

    You said, going back to the distracting things you love to do. Would you mind sharing what some of those things are?

    I’m looking forward to reading more of your blog.

    Brandic

    Like

    • Thank you Brandic. It has always been my goal to let those who read what I write see and feel where I’m coming from, and it’s great to know I get it right every now and then. I’ll put a short post on the distractions in a few.

      Like

      • I don’t think you have to worry about an aging brain at your age… Memories seem to be like that. We take bits and pieces of things, and combine them to make sense of our life. Memories are quite subjective actually. So the fact that your mind combined two different memories I would say is a completely natural process. 🙂

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      • I think you have a long ways to go til you’ll need to worry about this. 😉 From what I’ve seen and read from you, your mental faculties are sharp as nails!

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      • Yaaaaaay!!!!!! That’s great to know. Which reminds me, I’ve got to start studying again. When I do get into college I really don’t want Math and Phys to hit me like those bricks in Home Alone 2 :/

        Like

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