Today I sat in the bus and everything inside me changed yet again. It was not a sudden change, neither was it unexpected. It was not painful. It was not sad. It just was. There was no smile on my face. No mindless chatter to pull me away from the possibility of sinking into depression. There was just the moment. Another one of my epiphanies you could say. What brought this on? I don’t know.
There I was, sitting with my phone in my hand, mind still processing tidbits from Distraction Number 3 (A yet unwritten post). My eyes stared sightlessly out the window, as it hit me. Yippee. I am going to work again today. There was no joy in my thought, only an intense sense of hopelessness. I will kill myself if December comes and there is no way out. Realising the error and amoral line of my thoughts, I quickly corrected it. Suicide is not a necessity nor an option. Neither is cutting or any other such sign of my “supposed” depression. Oh joy. I don’t even know how my train of thoughts moved to there. One minute I was saying to myself, Kadeen- you’re not happy. No shit, Sherlock. Kadeen- you look depressed. I’m shocked. Kadeen-there is no smile on your face. Oh really? I hadn’t noticed. Finally annoyed with the internal conversation I simply said, “Why are we wasting our time with this? You know and I know how I feel in this exact moment. Let’s stop wasting mental words.” End of conversation.
I arrive at work, notice a sign on the door, and all that it elicits from me is a “suck of my teeth” and I sigh. My mother entering the building beside me reminds me that I must be grateful for the opportunity to work. I am not ungrateful. I am simply unhappy. Big difference. Dead end. Dull. Void. Vacuum. Call it what you may. I am 18 and completely stuck in a rut with no will to undo and suppressing the effort to care even a “diddly-bit”. This suppression is once again becoming my best skill and my beloved curse.
Ah, well enough of my ungrateful rant for the day. Back to pasting a smile on my face. Sigh….a smile. Oh wonderful, joy.
Note: No worry friends. I am perfectly fine. Just releasing build-up of little things that are plaguing me. God. There is my mother’s voice grating my nerves again. Why does she still have that effect on me? I thought it was over. Urrgh! Cynicism go back from whence thou came and return the happy- go- lucky version of me! 😦
Oh who cares? Just bleh. Have a great day folks!! 😀