The Final Post for Sara. (Trigger Warning)

Last evening, at approximately 2.40 a.m. I received an email. It was the notification from a blog that I have followed since the beginning of my entry into WordPress- kyllingsara. In my email account, all I could see was a small blurb of the blog post, and I tried not to worry. For in WordPress, sometimes silence is good news, and words are the real killer. I hurried to click on it, for it had been so long since there was any word from Sara. I wish what I had read was something different. I lay on my carpet, shocked. I felt so frustrated. So saddened. All I could see in my mind was the beautiful child who had been, and the horrors in this world that had dared to lay hand on her. It made me angry. So angry. As I struggled to withhold tears, all I could think of was the strength of the woman who had made it this far in her journey, but could no longer hold out. After sleeping, and taking a few hours to process, I know what I can do. Tell you the story of Sara.

Sara was a beautiful woman. She was a survivor of childhood sexual abuse; abuse so horrifying that it forced her mind to fracture into pieces. Into different sections to keep the pain from mounting into one unbearable ocean. To some of us who have never experienced DID, it may seem far-fetched. However, in this world, even those of us who have never had DID know what it is to compartmentalise our lives in such a way that we never have to deal with a segment of it until it hits us in the face. DID is that on a magnified level. A degree to which the mind creates personalities to protect itself from the outside world filled with potential abusers. In Sara’s case, she wasn’t aware of how fractured she was until shortly after her marriage, and the birth of her son. Confused, suffering, and reeling from dreams,nightmares and memories that did not appear to belong to her, she had attempted suicide and was placed under psychological care for a while. Soon, she began therapy and at the suggestion of her therapist, she began the blog kyllingsara.

It was there I first found her, full of a witty sense of humour, and a wonderful mind. Seeking every opportunity to heal herself, she blogged about the memories. Memories so terrifying, so disgusting, that I could only wonder what sort of monsters exist in this world who have gone unpunished. Her voice was strong, never faltering…..but it was her own emotions that faltered, and tripped her in places. Whatever those mongrels had done to her, mongrels that look so much like you and I…… Mongrels marauding in the shapes of kindly old grandfathers and indulgent uncles….. had torn her apart. She bounced back and forth in emotional turmoil. Filled with guilt and shame, struggling to balance her love for her husband and child against the internal push and pull of alters fighting their way to the surface. Anyone who has ever dealt with sexual abuse, can grasp an inkling of the trauma for a young girl who had been gang-raped once she entered her pre-teen years, perhaps they can grasp how confusing it must have been to have memories from about the age of two……memories that made you run from your bed to hang over the toilet, shivering with disgust as you tried to empty your stomach…..for this was what Sara had to deal with. Every single day of her conscious life. Every day that she was not fighting for control with alters. Everyday that she was not cringing from the touch of her caring, concerned and helpless husband. Everyday that she worried for her son’s wellbeing. This is what Sara dealt with.

Shame.

Trauma.

Memories.

Scents.

Touches.

Feelings.

Guilt.

Worthlessness.

Disgust.

Fear.

Self-Loathing.

It was here on WordPress that she found some reprieve. It was here that she found a circle of friends who listened to her. Here that she found others who knew what it felt like to scream in the recesses of your mind with only its echo for company. Here that she found comfort in knowing that others had felt the fear, the shame that comes from your own body betraying you, the worry that no matter how hard you try, normalcy will never be yours. It was here that she shared her story, a story which helped me, which helped her followers, which provided a support for those of us who were unable to voice our own mind with her brutal honesty, and clarity. It is here on WordPress…….that her community let her down. The circle of bloggers who had stood by her……… Slipped into her closed heart, and called themselves her family…….became like those abusers in a way. They removed her power. Culled her ability to vocalise how she felt. Removed her freedom to speak on her blog about the things that she was doing. To you who have not been within that circle, it will be easy to judge, for me, I understand.

The woman who had fought tooth and nail to remain the front-facing alter – Sara- lost control. She became tired. She became unable to focus on the world around her, and the medications which claimed to help her, in some ways made it easier for her to slip from consciousness into a fugue state. A state in which alters whose voices had remained unheard, stepped out of the cracks and wrenched control from her. Placed her son, and husband on the back- burner, and indulged in promiscuity, sexual things that were actually performed to make “Sara” and all other parts of her feel even more dirty, and shameful. Why you ask? Because they were hurting too. They were scared and uncertain. They were the part of Sara who had become so accustomed to the years of abuse, and the feelings it evoked that they could not be away from it. They knew that it was wrong. They knew that they did not deserve to feel that way. They knew that they were good, and beautiful. But in a way, they did not know. They could not see. And they allowed the hardwork that Sara had done to become a practice in futility. Not because they did not want to be healed, but because they could not understand what healing was.

It is this that upset the blogging family. They were hurt and disheartened that Sara, who had always shown a strong will to survive, had fallen into infidelity, and what others would term moral “looseness”. They did not intend to judge her, but they did judge her. They did hurt her. They made her feel the same shame and guilt that the abuse had, and it tainted her blog. It made it difficult for her to share her words with us. Why? Because some saw these new stories as Sara happily indulging in wrong. They saw it as Sara reveling in the “pleasure” of it all. They saw it as Sara pulling us along. It was not so. It was a cry for help. A cry for understanding, and care from the part of her that had become attached to the abusers. Most likely, it was a part of her that felt that it would never be acknowledged, for how many of us are willing to admit how the abuse made us feel in all of its entirety? It was a part that had been suppressed, and was told that it was abnormal, and an anomaly that did not belong in this world. Due to the religious beliefs that Sara and I had come to share, it was perhaps seen as an even more disgusting horrifying aspect of herself. I cannot speak her mind or her feelings for her, but I can try to understand them, and share it with you out there who are uncertain or feel the same way.

Humanity is not perfect. We are people who screw-up. The worst of the worst come from us. However, the fact is, that the best of the best exists in us too. It is this that God sees. It is this that God understands. It is this that keeps God’s arms opened wide, whispering and cajoling promises of love. Promises to clean us up and show us that there is more to life than the filth that exists around us. In religion, and in Christianity, we often forget that. We forget that God called David, an adulterer and murderer a man after His own heart. Not because he condoned David’s actions, but because he saw the good in David. He saw that little shepherd boy who had seemed insignificant and useless to his family. God loved Rahab the prostitute, not because he approved of her selling her body, but because he saw the broken, lost woman who was searching for a way out of her life, and wanted freedom. You know something else, those two names I mentioned, they are even seen in the birthline of Christ. Why? Not because God wanted to tell the world that sin was okay, but because He wanted to say that I see you. I see your broken- spirit. I see what those monsters have done to you. I see how much you are fighting. I see how dirty you feel. I see your pain. I feel it all with you. And although at times, it may seem the devil is winning, he will not have the final say in your life. He will be punished for corrupting your world. He will be destroyed. People often ask, why does God allow this, and allow that. Why does God not stop this and stop that. You tell me. Who is really committing these acts of atrocities against little girls like Sara, or me. Who fills our heads with things we do not understand. Is it God? Or is it another human being, like you and I, who failed her? Is it God? Or is it those of us who judged her, and pushed her away from the family she had come to find? Is it God? Or is it those monsters who think it is fun, and exciting to torment little two year old girls and boys for their own twisted sexual pleasure?

Sara. I salute you. You fought hard. You bled. You cried. You screamed. Your voice was heard. You tried. You did not make it to the end of your journey, in the way that you wanted to. You did succumb to those abusers, but you did more than that. In your own way you conquered. I love you, and I am so sorry that we were not able to be with you in the last stages of your life. I know I speak for Bourbon, Bird, and Terry when I say that we all loved you. Your life may not have ended in a manner that all approved of, but what we all do agree on is that you did make a difference. Your laughter, your jokes, your warmth, your honesty, your openness. It made a difference. Thank you, Sara. I love you. To sugar clouds and cotton candy.

Sunday, January 20, 2013. 17:55 hrs.

51 thoughts on “The Final Post for Sara. (Trigger Warning)

  1. My heart is breaking and my tears are falling as I read this. I loved her so much. I grieved with her and laughed with her and tried my best to hold her hand. oh i am going to miss her terribly. i love you Sara

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  2. loopyloo305 says:

    My prayers are with her family who like Sara herself, will have memories that they have to deal with. Unless you share the pain, you can never understand it, and since each of us deal with such things differently and have different support, all we can do is care for those left behind. To her friends here, it is going to take time. They say that time heals all wounds, but truly that is a false statement, such deep wounds are never truly healed until we can forgive ourselves and that is a continuing process. God bless you and I thank you and Terry for sharing this!

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  3. Bourbon says:

    Can I re-blog this Kadeen? You tell her story so respectfully. People need to hear this. I know without a shadow of a doubt she will want her story to make a difference, as it did when she was actively blogging. Does anyone know, at all, where she went after leaving kyllingsara?? I am so desperate to find out and read her words, one more time. xx

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    • Of course you can Bourb. Even I wonder where she went after she left the original blog. Maybe in time we will find it. Until then, we can speaking in hopes that someone else can be kept from doing what she did. <3<3<3

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      • No she won’t. I’ve just been browsing through her last posts (and found that those from the last alter in control are gone), and one of the last ones around from before she lost control was “Hope”. Atleast she had those days

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      • Bourbon says:

        She did have those days. I wonder if there are fully dressed up dogs wherever she is. I wonder if she’s going to finally win the contest. -teary smile-

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      • Ohh, Bourb. <3<3<3 Perhaps she won the contest even before she left and forgot to tell us 😦 At least she made me into a "Spielburg" in my efforts to win <3<3<3

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      • Bourbon says:

        Oh how she made us laugh. I would stay awake until 2am in the morning replying to her comments (which was late in those days!) because I couldn’t tear myself away from her positive inspiration in my life.

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      • So true Bourb! As I scanned through some of the posts tonight, I was cracking up even in my sadness. She had such a sense of humour and it made some days so good. (Sugar clouds and cotton candy 😉 )

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      • You went searching for it too? I was reading through the comments on that post, and there I was laughing with tears in my eyes; The Pink Comb Club

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    • Thank you. That was the purpose of my post…that someone be willing to know her and understand her. This post was in response to the news that she had taken her life. For the moment, her blog still remains (kyllingsara.wordpress.com)

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  4. This post touched my heart deeply because we wound people far too often with our thought of righteousness. I didn’t know Sara or ever heard of her until now but their are far too many Sara’s out there hurting. They are locked, trapped even within themselves looking for someone to show them the way out of their pain. I don’t fault those who didn’t understand her actions and where blinded to her pain because of her percieved strength. What heals is not just time but patience and most importantly love from all who crossed her path in some way. The words above are so true, God sees our heart as well as our actions. He sees us through the sacrifice of his son Jesus and never gives up on us through our trails. His arms are our arms reaching out to those around us and we are to be and show his unconditional, non judgemental love for others. Judging is His job. Let us learn to love others and pray for their struggles and faults, because that’s what love does.

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      • Kadeen, she lives on through your words of love. Also, her story prayerfully will soften the hearts of those who may later on interact with someone else who is going through an emotional and even physical battle for their life. Every life is precious and valuable and should be seen that way. Thank you for sharing with us.

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      • Thank you. I hope it will do so indeed, for life is a gift and we are all required to handle the gifts of those around us with care. Thanks so much for finding meaning in this.

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing this. I am sorry for your loss, and the world’s loss of Sara but I hope that many people get to read these words, because they are very powerful and we all need to hear them.

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  6. I am crying so hard right now i can barely do this, but I must for but by the grace of God,my own mind could have fractured, as it is I suffer PTSD from childhood sexual abuse. Not to take away from the loss of Sara but I many times thought to take my own life due to memories. But to Sara I give the greatest respect and admiration for being strong enough at some point to even reveal the horrors. PLEASE if there is anyway to keep her blog up and running PLEASE for the benefit of those not strong enough to “tell” yet mayhaps her blog will help us to take that step. I know God is a loving god and He will hold her in His arms and make her strong and wash the memories from her heart and mind so that she may dwell in His house in peace without pain and suffering any longer. I believe the Lord was with her when she ended her life knowing only He couid truly heal her in this way. Prayers and love for all she loved and knew.

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    • Thank you for sharing this with me, and with the others. Thank you for sharing in our sadness, and thanks so much for your prayers for her family. <3<3<3 I believe if you wish, you can also share your comments with her husband on Sara's blog. Do take care ❤

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  7. I got to read this as I follow Terry and admire her very much. I have cold shivers down my spine and feel incredibly sad for your loss. Her and I would have had a great deal in common and I only wish I had found her blog earlier! Abuse and rape is something we never really get over. This is something people don’t really understand unless they have experienced it! time moves on but there is a part of you that is forever broken. As sad as this is it has only given me more strength to keep fighting on. You don’t need people to make you feel crap about the bad choices you make…you have enough self loathing within yourself. i promised myself at the start of this year I as no longer going to be a victim…I so wish I could have made that promise with Sara. May she now be a t peace! Thank you for sharing…….Hugs Paula xxx

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  8. So sad that … we today need abuse in our everyday – doesn’t matter what kind of abuse – hopefully we don’t tolerate and report when we see and hear it … or step in if we are able too.
    Cause so many lives .. bullying – young people, woman and men that has been physical and mentally abuse … boys and girls – and it’s really all down to us to change a big part of it.
    Thanks for a brilliant post.

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  9. I didn’t know Sara, but have been supporting Terry ever since I found her blog.

    I’m so very sorry for the loss that you all feel, and wish I had known this lady so that I might have taken her hand and tried to give her the acceptance that she so desperately seems to have been searching for.

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  10. ltpen315,barb says:

    I am so sorry for Sara and all who loved her. I hope those who chose not to understand that it was an alter and not Sara who did the things they chose to judge her on at least have the decency to realize that they probably added to her feeling of hopelessness which caused her to end her life. This is a powerful post. God bless you’

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