Clouds& Darkness: Contemplation On The Train Ride Home

When I’m lying in my bed,

I stare at the ceiling.

I lie there, cloaked in darkness.

Sometimes it chokes me,

At others, it holds me gently:

Caressing,

tenderly filling me with love and wisdom.

Those are the moments,

The beautiful ones in which the fan is whirring,

When my thoughts are roaming poetically,

Sometimes lyrically.

Those are the hours,

The minutes in time when I am “me”

The little one who loves

The girl who is neither afraid nor vulnerable,

Those are the nights

when I can feel love

coursing through my veins,

The temporary swing on the edge of the moon,

Traipsing on fluffy clouds.

Clouds…

Those cottony darlings who remind me of Sara,

Of friendship and cotton candy,

Late night blog posts

Weaving threads and connections.

It  is when I’m lying in my bed

With the creamy-light ceiling above me,

Showing me words and answers–

With memories and impressions,

Those midnight hours through the 3 a.m. musings,

That I love and hate the darkness.

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Thursday, September 12, 2013. 21.34hrs

Thoughts

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Fresh baths and cotton sheets

Cool threads and gentle breeze

That’s what you remind me of

 

Scent of your skin

Wafts under my skin

 

Tendrils of curls,

Tickle temptingly under my palms;

Slide lovingly through my fingers…

 

Goosebumps and sweaty skin

Coarse hair and tender skin

That’s what you make me think of

 

Fingers slide and strands are twirled

Shivers rise and heartbeats cease

*breathing stops*

That’s what you make me dream of

 

T-shirt,

Weighted against my skin

Amber eyes and rosebud lips

Hidden smiles and stolen hugs

Scarcest laughs and open face

 

That’s what you make me think of

 

 

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Wednesday, August 7, 2013 16.05 hours

To The Girl With Dimples

Thank you.

For being the glue,

For being strength when you thought you were not.

Thank you.

For being my sounding board.

For viewing my demons without judgement.

For understanding without fear.

For those conversations which you listened to

and read as I raved and mumbled

For knowing the me who exists without running.

Thank you.

For letting me in.

For sharing your voice.

For sharing your thoughts.

For trusting me,

Both with secrets and with demons.

For your care, and your support.

For the smile, both yours and mine.

Thank you.

There are paths which you will walk

And terrors which you will run from

Trials that you will face

And sins that you will commit

Mistakes that you will make

And aches you will learn from

But

You are strong

And you are strength

You will make the right decisions when the time is right

And you will soar when you have stretched your wings

You will bruise

You will break

But you will also heal

And in time, you too will be healed

“Life is good” will be your creed

One day, it will not mock you

And one day

Those unopened wings,

Those scars,

Those doubts,

They will fade away,

And in time,

there will be skies.

Bright. Blue. Clear. Skies.

To the one with the big heart

The eagle who will face storms–

To the girl with the dimples,

They suit you,

Perhaps you should finally let them have their day?

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Sunday, July 28, 2013 1 a.m.

The Finale

To say I love you would be a lie.

Love,

A thing I neither understand nor can give.

A power I can neither receive nor accept.

I can say though, that I did care

That I do care

Too much for my own good

And in the eyes of those lovers

Those who can give and only give

What I have done

And what I will do

Would be a blasphemy-

The sin of letting go.

 

 

I cannot hold on.

There is no strength.

No more will to fight for both you and me.

 

 

Did I try?

Or is it, Did I try hard enough?

Am I being too selfish?

Too weak?

Making mountains out of molehills?

Destroying little for the want of too much?

Am I wrong?

 

 

I don’t know anymore.

 

 

I just don’t have the strength for tears

Nor fears

The energy for immovable walls crumbling

To be built again.

No more weakest marauding as the strongest

No more musical renditions played and replayed

In the hopes of perfection

The perfection of wholeness

Togetherness

The unbounded liberty of open Heart’s gates and never ending symphonies.

It is the end.

The finale of Hope’s dances

and Joy’s touch.

 

 

I am sorry.

I truly am.

Am I wrong?

I guess I am;

 

 

To have touched you,

And opened the irons of your Heart’s gates

With the keys you gifted me

Only to drop them in the mud

And turn my back on the beckoning sign

I am sorry to have made this more me than you

But I cannot

I really can’t

Do it all anymore.

 

 

My fault you see,

This careless finale

But I still cannot

Really cannot

Do it all anymore

The holding on or the letting go

For things will never be the same

Nor will they be better

For there will be me

And my doubts

And my questions

…….

Will I be there?

Yes.

Can I be there?

No.

………

It will only be a shell

Both of you

Of me

And of It:

The “we” who existed.

So,

Another silent goodbye,

Ended with my version of I love you–

I tried.

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Saturday, July 27, 2013 23.44