Grave

There is nothing but pregnant pauses,

Weighted with the silence of words unspoken.

In the throes of their labour, float naught,

But still births, and unformed limbs.

So, with spade and shovel,

Pick and ax,

I aim to bury–

Burrowing deeply into the spaces of muddy darkness.

And in their moist recesses,

Will I lay dead-born, and unborn,

Side by side with Friendship*.

Then, at long last, will Friendship’s last relative

Lie deathly beneath the stone;

Covered,

In the anonymity of the unknown grave.

K.N.O.W.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013.

*Friendship

*In collaboration with Death of a Friendship*

The Finale

To say I love you would be a lie.

Love,

A thing I neither understand nor can give.

A power I can neither receive nor accept.

I can say though, that I did care

That I do care

Too much for my own good

And in the eyes of those lovers

Those who can give and only give

What I have done

And what I will do

Would be a blasphemy-

The sin of letting go.

 

 

I cannot hold on.

There is no strength.

No more will to fight for both you and me.

 

 

Did I try?

Or is it, Did I try hard enough?

Am I being too selfish?

Too weak?

Making mountains out of molehills?

Destroying little for the want of too much?

Am I wrong?

 

 

I don’t know anymore.

 

 

I just don’t have the strength for tears

Nor fears

The energy for immovable walls crumbling

To be built again.

No more weakest marauding as the strongest

No more musical renditions played and replayed

In the hopes of perfection

The perfection of wholeness

Togetherness

The unbounded liberty of open Heart’s gates and never ending symphonies.

It is the end.

The finale of Hope’s dances

and Joy’s touch.

 

 

I am sorry.

I truly am.

Am I wrong?

I guess I am;

 

 

To have touched you,

And opened the irons of your Heart’s gates

With the keys you gifted me

Only to drop them in the mud

And turn my back on the beckoning sign

I am sorry to have made this more me than you

But I cannot

I really can’t

Do it all anymore.

 

 

My fault you see,

This careless finale

But I still cannot

Really cannot

Do it all anymore

The holding on or the letting go

For things will never be the same

Nor will they be better

For there will be me

And my doubts

And my questions

…….

Will I be there?

Yes.

Can I be there?

No.

………

It will only be a shell

Both of you

Of me

And of It:

The “we” who existed.

So,

Another silent goodbye,

Ended with my version of I love you–

I tried.

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Saturday, July 27, 2013 23.44

Ode To The Summer of Goodbyes

Au revoir

To the questions

To the fears

To the doubts

To the disappointment

To the despair

To the desolation

To you

And you

And you

 

To the hugs of meaning,

The Circle of comfort,

The havens in the storms,

An unspoken goodbye

 

To a firm handgrasp

The understanding smile

To the efforts of concern and care

The pressure of balance and love

To the heartache of suffering eyes

To the freeness of laughter

To the gifts of understanding

To the pleasures of you

To the crinkled brows

To the dimpled cheeks

To the half smiles

To the earned affections

To the difficult journeys

To the exhaustion

To the joy

To the worry

To you

 

An unadorned adieu.

 

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Saturday, July 27, 2013. 23.09

 

Tired

It’s simply exhausting,

These years of all or nothing

A trickle there

A fountain tomorrow

An ocean for tonight

Rains for the hour

Too exhausting,

Draining

This balance between love and wall

A suffocation beyond control

Heaviness nailing tongue and mind

Coffined beneath doubts and paranoia

Questions and unspoken answers

Struggling walk of the tight rope

The scale of rational and emotional

Irrational and emotional?

Bleeding fingers clasped desperately along fraying threads

Slipping,

Guiltily letting go

No longer able to bear the weight

Of stones on the other end.

Tired.

Just tired.

 

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Saturday, July 27, 2013. 22.54 hours