Tired

It’s simply exhausting,

These years of all or nothing

A trickle there

A fountain tomorrow

An ocean for tonight

Rains for the hour

Too exhausting,

Draining

This balance between love and wall

A suffocation beyond control

Heaviness nailing tongue and mind

Coffined beneath doubts and paranoia

Questions and unspoken answers

Struggling walk of the tight rope

The scale of rational and emotional

Irrational and emotional?

Bleeding fingers clasped desperately along fraying threads

Slipping,

Guiltily letting go

No longer able to bear the weight

Of stones on the other end.

Tired.

Just tired.

 

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Saturday, July 27, 2013. 22.54 hours

Speak

The more I learn and understand of the entire situation my friend is in right now, and the more I remember of our conversations from the previous year regarding when things first started, the more convinced I am that silences should be broken. I can’t help but feel that had we been able to convince her to speak earlier then the resulting events would not have occurred.

Silence is both a blessing and a curse. It can save lives, maintain relationships, and just as quickly rip lives apart. The problem with using silence is that one must know when to maintain it, and when to speak. Today, for the first time I officially involved my family in the problems my friend was facing. Usually as adolescents and/or children we tend to handle things on our own, and situations become exacerbated. Had I chosen not to speak today, I do not know where my friend might have been, what frightening thoughts might have gone through her mind or what could possibly have happened to her to add to all the horror that already exists. When we couldn’t locate her for those first few hours, I felt so upset and so worried. I’ve mentioned this before in my post on Friendship: sometimes we need to perform what might appear to be an act of betrayal, to help save those we love–Speak.

Silence

Today, I find it so ironic the way my life has played out. In some ways I am the secret keeper for myself and others, and that very same position has constantly locked me in a box that I will never be able to escape. I guess what once again brought the point home for me today was seeing my mother’s reaction to the knowledge that one of my close friends had been raped/molested eventually resulting in her fleeing her home. The ensuing conversation between mother and I just seemed too close to home in a way. Having her pull me into a conversation that required me to explain what goes through the mind of a victim without actually revealing that I was once upon a time in a similar position was….uncomfortable to say the least. I remember when I was younger I would try not to move or breathe when the topic of abuse came up, because I didn’t want to give the secret away by even shifting an inch at the wrong moment. Then to have her say that usually the family doesn’t believe the person who tells his/her story tonight just sort of put the icing on the cake. All I kept muttering to myself was to maintain control and not tell her to shut up because I knew and understood to some extent how difficult it was to balance family and secrets and memories and conflicting emotions. I guess that’s what brought me to write this short post up here, because being the secret keeper doesn’t exactly leave room for many confidantes. Ah well.

An I miss you and a few dozen hugs:- for Sara, Bourbon

@ kyllingsara: The original Sara who began that blog. I miss you. Sometimes it makes me extremely sad when I think of how hard you struggled to rise above it all, only to be pulled under by everything inside of you. The stories you told of the horror you were forced to face, the lines of anger and hurt and fear that you let out as you were besieged with memories and body sensations. You fought hard. You really, really did.  I owe you a poem, an ode to your struggle, and one day it will be written, maybe with a happy ending? I can only hope and pray.

To the rest of the system, I hope that one day you guys find your way. I haven’t heard anything from the blog in a while and that makes me worried, and a whole lot scared, but I’m hoping that all of you are still around somewhere.

@Bourbon: You will pull through this. You won’t forget. But you will stand against the waves of pain and fear that always seem to control your life. There is only so far down a person can go, and as long as you’re willing, there will always be a way back up. Don’t give into the self-doubt. Don’t give into the urge to cave. Don’t gave in to the fear. Don’t let it take over your life. I hope it doesn’t seem as if I’m trivialising your struggles. I just really believe that you can and you will.