Why Evil

In an earlier post, I happened to bring up old Lucy-boy and the fact that he set out to sabotage our programme earlier this evening. As such, since I was already on the topic, I decided to do one more post. This particular one is a little bit of insight into what I learnt about the existence of evil and how it came to be.

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A very long time ago, there existed a place beyond Earth where there was only beauty, and light. Neither death nor violence existed, and the beings who lived in that time were always happy, contented and at peace. It seems like an almost impossible scene to envision, so the closest experience that might help you view that world would be to do the following: Think on the most amazing memory you have ever had. That moment of ultimate peace and happiness where you were doing what you love, with whom you love, in a place that you never wanted to leave because it seemed like the most magnificent place you’d ever visited. If you were able to do that, magnify it by forever, i.e. imagine never ever having to leave that period in time. Imagine never experiencing any of the miseries that occurred before it or after. Once you’re able to hold on to that muse, you have officially tasted a portion of what the place we’ll call Heavenville was like.

In Heavenville, there were gardens that were filled with fruit trees of every kind; far more than ever existed on the Earth we know. The trees were always in season, and the fruits were never rotten. There were no leaves to clean up after because they never fell from the trees, and believe it or not, there was one extra special tree in the garden that bore a different fruit for every month of the year. For all of those people who spend hours gardening, understand that in Heavenville, gardening was one of the main pursuits. Flowers were well cared for, and all the gardens that existed in Heavenville could be enjoyed without the irritable task of weeding. Things like asthma, and allergies did not exist, so no one was worried about leaning over to smell a tulip, or rose or to caress a morning glory flower. The insects were all well behaved, and they neither stung nor felt a reason to sting because they never knew the meaning of danger or fear.

Amidst all of this, as with every community that has ever existed, there was a hierarchy. One great monarch, who everyone simply called God, His Son who was an extension of Him, and an equal in every way, the Holy Spirit who was a diaphanous expression of them, and then the angels and sons of God.  In the group of angels there existed archangels, seraphims, cherubims; in short, many forms of angels who were all blessed with immortality. They all had gifts that ranged from musicians who sang all the ranges and beyond that we can contemplate, players of the harp, the flute, a fancier version of the piano and organ, instruments that we have never seen, instruments that we no longer use, and instruments that we still can’t help but love today. In charge of these talented musicians was Lucifer.

Lucifer was one of the most beautiful angels that all of Heavenville had seen. He was admired, and respected, and he conducted the mass choir of Heavenville like no choirmaster ever had in the enormity of the universe. Like all the members of Heavenville, he strode along the streets of gold, and ambled through the gates of pearl, ruby and other precious stones. He flew across the skies and gleamed when the luminous presence of God touched his armament. His breastplate of gold, rubies, diamonds, emerald, etc. was impeccably fitted upon his body, and his face was gorgeous. Lucifer was a handsome angel, beloved by God, and The Son, respected by the entire heavenly host, and given a position below the Son of God. If desires existed in the beings of Heavenville, then Lucifer was the representative and embodiment of those desires.

Then something awful happened.

Lucifer developed pride.

He looked at the Son of God, a being who mankind later came to address as Jesus the Christ, and became envious. In Lucifer’s eyes, Jesus the Christ was an equal. He was around in the heavenly hierarchy for almost as long as Jesus. Respected, admired, loved, handsome, physique beyond imagination, clothing that fit like a love, commander of the greatest choir to have ever existed: how could he not be equal to the Son of God. Therefore, if he was equal to the Son of God, then he too should be worshiped. He too deserved to hear the words “Glory, Glory, Glory!” uttered in reverence with heads bowed and eyes averted. Sure, he hadn’t created the world. True he hadn’t designed the worlds of Heavenville and beyond. Yes, he most definitely did not form the bodies of the beings who worshiped the God that had blessed him with amazing gifts and a position. So what? In the waters of the river that ran through the kingdom of Heavenville his face shown back at him, contrasting stunningly with the glow of his clothing. His voice when raised in song, caused all the other members of the heavenly host to fall silent and listen in wonder at the marvel God had blessed him with. He was Lucifer. He was ravishing. He was third-in-command. He was IMPORTANT! In fact, who was this Jesus that got all the glory that should have come to him? Who was this supposed Son of God that sat at the God’s right hand and took part in all of the heavenly counsels and councils? Who was this being that walked everywhere and beamed everywhere and touched everything beside the all important Father of Heavenville? Nothing. Nothing in comparison to him Lucifer.

So Lucifer decided that it was time to take matters into his own hands. It was time to overstep his position and become even more powerful. Perhaps one day he could even supersede God! Yes! It was possible, but first he needed an army. First he needed to show his fellow citizens of Heavenville that they were not living in an Utopia. What he needed to do was show the praise-obsessed members of Utopia that they were actually living in Dystopia. Once they understood that the monarchy, the hierarchy that they worshiped, and adored was really just an illusion of power-hogging glory, then he Lucifer could take control of the reins and stand as commander of the entire UNIVERSE rather than just some measly choir group.

Lucifer planted the first seeds of dissent among his sisters and brothers, his admires, followers, friends. “Look!”, he said. “Don’t you see how that God is forcing us into worshiping h-Him? Can’t you see that He is pretending to be holy and just, but that really He neither knows nor understands mercy? Look at Him on His throne, acting perfect and benign. Observe how He holds you indebted to Him by giving you everything you need. Take a peek at all those meetings He only invites Jesus to. View! View! View how smugly that so-called Son of His is smiling from His right hand position on the throne.”

At first no one believed him. No one paid heed to the mutterings of Lucifer. He was beyond magnificent, but he wasn’t God. Then one by one, the roots of doubt took firm ground. They stretched, and wiggled their tiny hair-like limbs into fissures and holes. Was it just them, or did God sound extra patronising today? Did he really need to extend that golden road by one foot to the neighbouring hamlet, or was He actually skimping on the building materials in the North-zone, but favouring the East-Enders? Holy Heavenly Father! Did He just take Jesus with him into another one of those high profile meetings? How could he? Lucifer was also high up in the chain of command, and he should be invited too. God was being unfair to Him! How could he?!

And the roots continued to grow. Murmurs spread throughout the kingdom of Heavenville, and rumours leaked into the worlds beyond. Lucifer was being mistreated by the supposedly “just” God. Lucifer, that choirmaster whose tunes were sung throughout the universe in love and devotion to his darling God. Lucifer, who spent millenia sitting at the feet of God planning out compositions, mumbling words of praise in every note, tone, and semi-tone. Poor Lucifer. This had to be fixed. It had to be corrected!

Lucifer smiled at his handy-work. The angels were slowly coming over to his side, and it seemed that God had either turned a blind eye to his activities, or he was truly blind. Good. Very good. The journey to power would be much easier now. So what if God could see the future? He had obviously given his beloved Lucifer so much power that His far-seeing eye had been poked by one of his 12-month changing trees. Maybe what he had been telling the other angels about God was actually true. Perhaps it wasn’t a pack of lies. No, no, no, no. There was no way that he could really be the first proud, lying, arrogant, rumour-monger that set foot, and wing into the universe.

You see friends, Lucifer had become so occupied with his little plot to rise to power that he actually began to believe some of what he was speaking, and thinking. In his heart he knew the truth, but like the best liars, the most practiced, he knew how to lie to himself with the best results. He had all the practice in the universe on the most holy of beings, corrupting his own mind completely was the easiest task to accomplish.

When God looked out toward His kingdom. He saw every single move that Lucifer made. All the hurtful lies, and fantasies that he spread to attempt to wrest power from Him snaked into the ears of God. He saw and He knew. His beloved Lucifer was spiralling out of control. His Lucifer wanted to steal the power from the two beings who had created him, and given him the power, talent and beauty that he was so proud of. It would be so easy to smite him with some awful death, but he was a misguided child, and there was still hope for his heart if he would let go of his pride. God knew though, He knew that Lucifer would never turn away from the path. He made appeals. God spoke to him in private, offered special statements in the usual conferences and mass meetings that were worded especially to meet his heart…..yet Lucifer was stubborn. He had gone too far and he didn’t want to turn back now. He had begun to believe his own words–the words he had once uttered about God being unmerciful. In his eyes, there was no way that God was going to allow an attempted usurper back into His good graces. He would return to God, and God would demote him, and there was just no way that he could allow that humiliation and embarrassment to ever occur. It was all or nothing, and God watched as Lucifer turned his back on His open arms. God stared in dismay as the beloved choirmaster of the entire universe went against every single lyric, chord, melody and harmony he had ever created.

There was war.

Lucifer and Jesus led an army each. One third of the hosts of Heavenville fought with and for Lucifer. One third of the hosts believed that there was no turning back; that God would never forgive them; that he would punish beyond comprehension. Rip their wings from their backs, brand them with flaming swords, pull off toe by toe, burn their tongues for daring to utter grievances against the most holy, omniscient, omnipotent One. They were doomed if they didn’t, and doomed if they did. So the followers of Lucifer fought with a vengeance. They fought with every bit of power and strength that they had been given, and they used it against the One who had given it to them. They battled on and on. Waging war in Utopia. In the gardens that never decayed. Under the branches of the trees that bore 12 fruits per year. They trampled over the roses, the hydrangeas; crawled through the morning glories, and for the first time got dirt and grime on to their spotless, white raiment. They fought. Swords flew. Blades gleamed. Metal clanged against metal. Rubies fell from breastplates. Diamonds fell off swords. Crowns of gold disappeared under bushes, and into the river. The streets of gold which once shone with the glory of God were crowded with a fighting mass.

They lost.

Lucifer and his army were thrown from Heavenville. The gates of the cities were locked to them. God refused to destroy them. He had given them Freedom of Will and they had exercised it. They had observed His method of operation and chosen to misunderstand every olive branch of reconciliation He had extended. They had made their choice. They would forever remain His beloved creations, but they could not remain among the two thirds of Heavenville that were faithful to Him. The sons of God of the other worlds would receive the official decrees to beware of the being they once welcomed and pampered with love. Lucifer and his motley bunch of misguided followers would no longer be welcome anywhere in the entire universe.

God left them their own devices, and set out to make a new creation. Man. He spoke a new world into being and decided to name it Earth. In Earth He placed one of His most favourite things on Earth, a garden, which would be known as The Garden of Eden. The animals that would inhabit Earth, the lights, and the waters that would be on the Earth were spoken into place. On the last day of creation, He placed His hand into the muds of Earth and formed Adam. Adam would not be immortal immediately. He needed some time to adjust to the new life, and make the decision for himself that would either allow him to be immortal or join Lucifer and his associates.

So Adam was set loose in the gardens of Earth and given the task of caring for things. He cared for the animals, and made friends with them. They spent time together, enjoying the tranquility of the place God had put them all in. During his walks with God in the evenings, Adam was usually warned by God about the existence of Lucifer. To Adam, that being’s wily abilities only appeared to be some strange, and mystical fantasy, so he rarely paid much mind to it. Instead, he was more concerned about his loneliness. All the creatures of the Earth had companions and mates, they had friends of their own kind, but he Adam was companion-less. God on seeing the desires of Adam’s heart fashioned a woman for Adam using one of Adam’s ribs. He did it to remind Adam that the new companion that he would have would be the help-meet, and companion that he had wanted. She would be by his side in everything that they both did, and they would and should always remain together, side by side, performing the tasks of the garden.

Once Eve, Adam’s wife and help meet, came into existence, they worked together moving through the garden and befriending the animals. They were visited by others from the surrounding worlds, and constantly they were reminded that they should watch out for Lucifer. He might sound like a vague, nebulous name that would never set foot on Earth, but he had once been among the heavenly hosts and would not think twice to pull Adam and Eve into the place-less limbo he and his ex-angelic hosts now endured. In addition to those warnings, was the one constant gentle reminder from God: “Do not eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If you do, you both shall surely die.”

Of course, just like the warnings about Lucifer, those entered one ear and passed out the other with only small trails remaining. As such, when one fine day a serpent entered the garden that none had noticed before, no one paid it any mind. When Eve left Adam’s side instead of walking with him around the gardens as usual, no one bothered to remind her that she and Adam were meant to stay together. Ergo, when Eve found herself drawn toward the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, no alarm bells rang in her head. She didn’t shy away in surprise when she first noticed that a creature, a serpent of garden had actually decided to rest itself upon the branches of the forbidden tree.

Curious as to why the snake had chosen to make that area his resting spot, she became drawn into conversation with him. One could call that mistake number two on her part. First, drifting away from her companion who had always provided the perfect equilibrium, and then speaking to the serpent. If one has ever wondered where that old bit of advice “don’t talk to strangers” came from, that moment may have been the very birth of the phrase, for do you know what Eve did? She opened up her mouth, and her ears to the strange snake that was walking on the tree (Yes, snakes walked then).

Upon being drawn into conversation, Eve became enchanted by the silvery, remarkable speech of the serpent.

**(My Paraphrase here most definitely)**

Serpent: Eve, beautiful creature. Wife of Adam, and well-created example of the finesse of God, how art thou? Enjoying the weather today?

Eve: Well…..I’m not accustomed to talking with your section of creation and receiving responses, but yes, yes I am enjoying both the compliments and the weather. And thou? How art thou liking thine position on the tree? Mighty high up, aren’t thee?

Serpent: Friend, thou speakest the truth, but thou seest not how gorgeous this tree is? It’s leaves art the greenest I’ve ever viewed. The branches are the strongest, thickest, biggest, and  most magnificent I’ve ever had the pleasure of coming across…..and the fruit….

Eve: The fruit? Dost thou mean the fruit God said would kill Adam-darling and I if we ventured to taste it?

Serpent: But of course! Don’t tell me you have never eaten this most phenomenal of fruits?! It fills my mouth with the saccharine power of honey, watery sugars of a watermelon, the tangy nectar of the tangerine and orange combined, and juiciness of the reddest, ripest cashew hanging from the far end of the garden! It is the most palatable thing I’ve tasted in the whole of the universe!”

Eve: But…God said it was…bad…

Serpent (laughing patronisingly): Of course he said so Wife of Adam. It’s called the Tree of the KNOWLEDGE of Good and Evil. Perhaps…..God doesn’t want you to taste the fruit…. because….

Eve (nervously, glancing around the garden): Because…..

Serpent: His High and Mighty Righteousness doesn’t want you to be as intelligent, witty, and glorious as He! Errm….I mean he doesn’t want to share the wonders of the stunning cacophony of flavours with you! He doesn’t want you to have the knowledge of their sweet delight….and the wonders beyond….

Eve: So….we won’t die if we eat the fruit? And we’ll become more like God too? God is amazing! I would love to be more like Him!”

Serpent sotto voce (Women, if this one is so easy now, I know her generations to come will be nothing but fresh clay between my fingers. You messed up with another creation, Big Guy): Eve, thou sawest me on the tree. I am still on the tree. Therefore, I am not dead, and the fruit has not killed my humble personage. So…..go ahead….Here, let me point thou to a ripe one near the bottom. Let’s enjoy a good bite together…..Then, just like God, thou shalt have the knowledge.

Eve is lost in the fruit. She and Lucifer continue to have their conversation, discussing God, the elephants who happened to pass by a watering hole not too far from them, and the whale who usually stops by in the afternoon with his dolphin friend. They observe a lion who is tickling his lamb friend with his tail, and tugging playfully on her ear. Eve looks up, realising the time, bids the serpent good-bye, grabs one of the fruits for Adam and races off to find him so they can get ready for their usually walk with God. She feels a bit strange, sort of airy….exposed…..vulnerable, but she ignores it. It is a strange sensation, one that she neither understands nor knows. 

Adam: Eve!!! I’ve been looking all over for you! Why weren’t you by my side? It gets so lonely without you!

Eve (in a seductive voice she never knew she had): So you’re saying you missed me?

She runs a finger along his arm, tickling him just under his chin before finally tapping his nose. The other hand holds the extra fruit behind her back, waiting to offer it to him at the right time.

Adam (with naivete and confusion): What is this “miss” thing you speak of? And whyever has your mode of speech changed so….drastically? And you’ve never done that with your finger before. Eve….what have you been doing?

Eve: Adam, darling…..honey…..sun of my life, second only to God, stop worrying, and see what I’ve brought for you!

Adam (completely lost now): Worry? What is worry? Eve, what in the name of our beloved God are you speaking about? Let’s hurry down to the meeting point before God arrives ahead of us!

Eve (pouting slightly): Wait, Adam! Forget about God. I am here in front of you, and I am trying to tell you something. So, slow down and listen.

Adam (realising that something is wrong): Eve…..my love…..what did you do?

Eve (shrugging coquettishly): I picked a fruit.

Adam: A fruit? And you’re behaving like this? What tree did you get this fruit from?

Eve: First take a bite, and then I’ll tell you. (While handing it to him) A very good friend of mine from close to the centre of the garden was visiting. We got to talking (and as Adam takes a bite), and he strolled down from his perch on the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and offered me a bite. I took a taste, and nothing happened. I’ve been eating it all afternoon, until I ran into you that is.

Adam (now half way through the fruit, using words and phrases he never knew before): What the…! What do you mean you took from the Tree of— Oh good God!! You disobeyed Him, and you took me along with you!”

Eve: Adam, you already knew what it was. Don’t pretend.

Adam: I guess, in a way…. I couldn’t imagine living life without you again. It would be so–

Eve: Lonely. Yes, I know. Now let’s go before we’re late for our meeting with God.

Adam: But Eve, haven’t you noticed something? Since I’ve eaten the fruit I’ve had strange feelings….and I feel…naked….Exposed…

Eve: Naked? We’ve never been naked before. It’s a strange word….and yet slowly I’m beginning to understand it’s meaning. I’ve never noticed how your triceps and biceps rippled before…..or the way your abdomen bridged into a perfect pack of squares ranging in size or–

Adam: I have to say I’ve never noticed the way your waist curved so delicately before……and were your palms always this soft, and so pleasing to the touch?

Enters God, knowing what they’ve done but being the patient parent as always.

God: Adam!! Eve! My children, where art thou? Did you enjoy the stroll over by the west side of the garden? I sent a new type of tiger there especially for you. White fur, black stripes, ice blue eyes. Fantastic creatures I knew you would love! Why art thou not approaching me though? Is something wrong?

Adam & Eve: We….we….we were hiding from you, my God. Putting together some fig leaves and such to clothe our nakedness while you searched for us.

God: Nakedness? Where did you hear that word? Who taught you that? How do you know you’re naked?

Adam: God, I….I….I’m so sorry!! The woman strayed from me, and well you know how these female creatures are. She got to talking, and somehow returned with the forbidden fruit…..I….I took a bite.

Eve: It wasn’t me God! Don’t listen to, Adam. It was the serpent. He was walking along the tree, and called me to him….and before I knew it we were eating and chatting right at the roots of the forbidden tree.

God (his voice thundering through the garden): Serpent!! Lucifer! I know you’re here! Show yourself! Snake, from here on, you shall no longer walk like the rest of the creatures of the Earth. You will crawl on your belly and eat dust for the part you played in the entrance of sin onto Earth. Leave my presence!! Adam, Eve, you too will also have to leave the garden. I can’t have you anywhere near the Tree of Life after having a taste of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If that were to happen, sin would live forever and you and your children would suffer for all of eternity. I could neither allow you nor my other worlds to suffer the horrors of sin for generations times infinity.

For the first time a creature is slain in the entire world. Lambs of the garden are killed to clothe Adam and Eve, and they are sent away from the garden to endure the consequences of their disobedience–death, and the pain, labour and misery that accompanies its arrival. An angel with a flaming sword is placed to protect the Tree of Life from the now polluted hands of the sinners. They cannot be allowed to gain immortality while they carry the corrupted essence of the Forbidden Fruit. They have made their choice, and their generations to come must face the consequences of their actions.God chose not to destroy Lucifer, but eventually, Lucy-boy’s time is coming, and in the meantime he’ll be out and about gathering more friends for the journey to his final end.

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That was the version of the story I learnt about sin’s entrance into the world. The ensuing result was human being after human being making wrong choice after wrong choice, and blaming the consequences on God. When they were unwilling to do so, Lucifer stirred up the pot, adding his own spices and passing the stew off as a meal from the Master Chef– God.

Introspection And the Idiot I Am In Friendship :-D

For the longest while, I’ve been avoiding here. Not my friends or their blogs. Just here. My blog. At first I justified it by saying that I had nothing to write. Then, I didn’t want to “complain”. Finally, I’d reached such a state of numbness that it really didn’t matter anymore. After all, why speak what had become a passing whim in my mind? I can honestly say I’ve become one of those people. An avoider. Of my thoughts, of my own feelings, my life. Now it isn’t to say that I was always busy being contemplative and self-obsessed…okay, for sure on the contemplative part. It was an obsession. I couldn’t stop thinking. I thought about everything. I think I thought so much it helped to magnify all aspects of my life. If you know the things I had to think about, you would find it equally as annoying. The only good thing about it was that I always knew exactly how I felt, why I felt that way, and what to do to keep myself from over-reacting. What scared me though, was that at times I felt frightened by my ability to rationalise what I felt, and it got to a stage in which I was never sure if I was really feeling what I thought I was. So by now you’re wondering, why even write? I have no clue. I’m not unhappy. I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. I’m not suicidal. I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. I’m not contented. I’m not in love nor do I feel “loving” in any way. I just am. Since this is what I use to keep track of how I felt at various points in time, I’m going to take a little step back into last year to touch on somethings that I avoided writing then. Dear old 2012.

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. I think those who are in my small circle of blogging friends know that I am of the “friendsy” sort as my mom calls it. When I was younger, she would usually tell me that I was too “friendsy”. It makes me smile now, but then I couldn’t figure out what in the good Lord’s name she meant. Did she really think I was being too friendly with people? Was I really as attached as she made me seem to appear? By the time I had entered secondary school, that had tapered off, and I rarely heard anything about my attachment to friends. I figure that’s because I had been transitioning. Adjusting from the “friends” I had once had in primary school, and finding my niche or little “clique” in secondary school. There were no hour long conversations to fret over, no discussions about homework intermingled with even more in-depth discourses (aka gossip) about the latest occurrences. The best way to describe the beginning of my secondary school life could be:- I was searching, but unwilling to search. I had what I would call “associates” and by nature, I was a talker. I could prattle on and on endlessly. I was with everyone, which in some ways led to a few insulting comments. Not particularly hurtful then, because I had grown used to that. Tends to happen when you’re socially awkward and capable of being very annoying. 😀 So, no hard feelings were kept. Then came her.

You all know her as Adurna. I know her as the best friend I’ve ever had. I don’t know why, but that girl loved me. To be honest, when she first met me, I cannot have been all that much of an awesome catch for a friend. Who am I kidding? I sucked. I was self-absorbed, locked up in books, tackling internal demons, and battling insecurity and uncertainty. At the time she had entered my life, our class hadn’t yet broken up into little groups. We’d only been split into girls and boys, and at times even those circles would interlope. When she came, she was…for want of a better term…the outsider. Not because she was different, but because she had entered sort of late. She’d come when friendships and companions were already slowly being staked out. Now to confess, I have a way of seeing straight to the heart of certain matters. Not because I’m some exceptionally insightful person, but only because I choose to search. Perhaps it’s a left over of my desire for someone to be willing enough to do the same for me. My point is, that it made me see and notice things that others didn’t. So the minute she came, I knew I wanted to be her friend. I just didn’t know how to go about it. There was something there, that I had seen, and I knew that she needed a friend. But I was too scared to cross the divide. To tell this as accurately as possible, I’ve had to refer to the closest thing I had to a diary, and I can assure you that side of me that I see in there is not very palatable. Now although I knew in that moment that I wanted to befriend her, I did not. I couldn’t find it within myself to do it. To set out and stop being so sucked into the little groups that were forming. Gradually though, she fell into the circle in her own way, and I didn’t really have to think about it again. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on who you were when the events occurred, something happened to change the uncomplicated manner in which everything had fallen into place.

A friend I’ll call Brit, trusted Adurna to do something, and things got a little out of hand. I will never forget that day, not because it was actually that horrible what occurred. We were after all young girls, and we tend to do things without really considering what the fall out may be, however, it was the look on Brit’s face that I will never forget. It hurt to look at her. It honestly did. There was this expression of maturity and cynicism that had stepped in and taken away the care-free, easy-going girl that I knew. She looked, in that moment, as if she would never trust another person again. Forgive me for doing things in such a round about manner, but I travel through history to see where things turn out, and this is an integral part of me understanding why I behaved the way that I did. What happened next was a rift. A very large rift. For approximately 3/5ths of the class were sympathising with Brit, and the other 2/5ths either didn’t care or were just enjoying the entertainment. All I can say, is that I would not have liked to be in Adurna’s place at the time, and I admire her for handling the situation the way that she did. It could not have been easy nor pleasant. It’s unfortunate that I’ve never said that before, for I really was far too busy being “entertained” by the entire turn of events, and in some ways, my ability to find mirth in everything (defense mechanism, blah, blah, blah) made me insensitive. The rift lasted for weeks…or months, and finally, a friend I’ll refer to as Jo, was sweet enough to step across the chasm and I followed.

I was only too happy that she did, because for weeks I had been the cowardly idiot sitting in my comfortable position wanting to go there. All I can say, is thank God for orchestrating the pathway. Had I remained where I was, I might have become the conformer that I had slowly been nursing and I would have lost out on being friends with one of the most amazing persons I’ve ever met.

Upon being on that side of the classroom, I have to admit it really was another world in a way. I was mostly silent, but I think happy that I had finally done what I was supposed to do months before–approach the new girl. Perhaps she was dying for someone to talk to, for she and Jo got along quite well the few days Jo remained there. Then Jo was gone, and it was simply me and Adurna. I don’t remember what I talked about, but I loved being there. She really was such a burst of crazy, optimistic energy, and when you’re as sedate (and boring) as I am, it’s fun to be around someone like that. Adurna was and is such a being full of talent and creativity. When I say her hands were never still, I mean it. Always filled with a pencil or a pen, sketching, writing, or painting. Before I knew it, I had become attached to her in a way that I had never been with any friend prior or after. As much as I was growing to love her though, things were becoming complicated. I was basically stuck between my loyalty toward the people who I had first been friends with, and the person who I had placed on a rather high pedestal.

Now Adurna will say that I like dwelling on the past, and in a way I do. I hate forgetting. Anything. Even the things that hurt me. I like knowing what I did, when I did it, with whom I did it, and what everyone else around me was doing too. It’s the way I am, and while I have learned to curb it externally, it will always be a part of my internal make up. I. Hate. Forgetting. Now why mention this you might ask? Because I do believe that was where the entire problem of our friendship began. I dwelled on the past, not in a manner that was depressing, just in a way that meant you never really got to forget anything. I really am one of those people who says “Remember when?” and we all know how disliked they are. 😀 I repeat, I do not know how she put up with me; for the way that I was hard-wired, made it so that sarcasm, and cynicism went hand in hand. In addition, my “Remember when?” habits were more along the lines of being a wet blanket. If you so happened to mention that you couldn’t understand why something had changed between you and a particular person, or why you had become the way you were, then you can be sure that I was not going to mince any words:

“Errm….what did you expect when you did so and so?”

“Seriously? Really and truly? You have no idea, huh?”

We all know sarcasm isn’t very nice, especially when coming from a friend. Ah well, that is the way I am. The language of sarcasm is my second tongue, and I only just manage to curb it. I’ve said all of this to show where I went wrong, and ironically enough, it was this very same thing that led to an argument in what I, at this stage, consider the worst year of my life 2012. So for some people, myself included, it really was the world’s end. In my case, the end of many things as I had known for at least 5 years.

As important as Adurna was to me, I couldn’t break out of the habit. Almost everything was amusing to me, and most of the time, I expected the people around me to share the same sense of humour. What’s fascinating about the dynamics of our friendship is that we were both two equally cynical and domineering people with the potential for overwhelming optimism. Since my bouts of pessimism and dominance lasted longer because I was free to be me with her, most times, she was the one who was enjoying the perks of the much healthier optimism. We had this strange connection in which we balanced everything out exactly when needed. The best term I’ve ever come up with for it was, “The Switch”. One of us was always being what the other needed at the time, and the one time that the switch did not occur– Let’s just say things were not good. Not good at all. Someone…aka me…..had to be the brilliant being to mention that having two individuals capable of the same degree of biting sarcasm, cynicism and pessimism ought not to be in a friendship. It was unhealthy. Was I right? Perhaps I was. Should I have said it? No. Some things are better kept to oneself.

I’m going to be the “rememberer” that I am, and say that I do remember that day. I remember it because it makes me wonder if I was testing my dominance. My….power in our friendship. I have no idea why. I never felt the need to stand over anyone, and as I’ve mentioned before, she was up on a mighty high pedestal for me. The only person, to this day, who can make me feel like an absolute piece of crap when these words are spoken, “I’m disappointed in you.” is her. Have to admit, at one point I was afraid of my attachment. I had been dealing with the fact from a young age that I was more sexually aware than others, and I didn’t know if I was capable of gauging what was normal, neither did I know what was normal. It made me even more distant from her than I had already been, for the last thing I needed was to errrm….switch “sides” so to speak. No. I never found myself inclined to “switch” sides. I was just unsure of what I was capable of. There really had never been another person that I was so….connected to at the time. I learned from her to love, and be loved and open up I guess. So add, sarcastic, pessimistic, “rememberer”, and emotionally distant together and you have to wonder if there really was much of a friendship going on and who was getting the most benefit out of it. That is perhaps what made our clash in darling 2012 so difficult, among other things. The words written had hit me where I least expected, and where I was most uncertain.

As of now, the tidbit mentioned about how we came to be friends may seem unnecessary. But it isn’t. It is a prime example of my “remembering” abilities, that’s one. Secondly, it is also a reminder of how “flaky” I could be. That pull of loyalty I mentioned up above, was really me not giving all that was deserving to our friendship. I battled and struggled with that for at least three years, because most of my other “friends” did not like Adurna, unless they needed something. It made me upset that she would let them use her, and yet I did not break away from them either. Once, I had even asked if she minded that I spent so much time with them, and being a good friend her obvious answer was no. I’m sure she meant it, but it certainly was no excuse to listen to the things that I did, or indulge in a smirk, or share a laugh. The only justification I’ve ever used was that while I didn’t approve of the things they said, I felt that to an extent they were sometimes right and I really didn’t know how to balance that–another long history session. So now you have sarcastic, pessimistic, “rememberer”, who’s emotionally distant and capable of being flaky. True, she didn’t have to put up with that all of the time, but even the most sainted friend has a limit. By the time I had gone through all of this, I had of course realised I really wasn’t such a great friend. I was positively crappy. What’s worse though, is that I was so perfect for everyone else, almost as if when I committed the mistakes with her, I then used all that knowledge gained from my errors with everyone else. I guess if you don’t learn to change from your best friend, who else will you learn from? I did eventually break away from those people, and set my camp where it needed to be, but I think it left an air of uncertainty around our friendship. For who was I really with? Where did my loyalties really stand? Obviously, we split not too long after for ironically enough, I got angry with her for doubting me with one of my other friends….and we remained uncommunicative for a long time. By then, I had expected that the person who I had learned to share hugs with (a task that made me cringe), the one who I was willing to say I love you to (difficult considering where I stand on emotional connections), and the one who I was willing to do almost anything for (as long it was legal/morally right) would not doubt me. When I look back, I just find my reaction laughable, for this entire post so far shows quite one hell of an unequal friendship. The open, free-spirited Adurna, and the idiotic me. (-_-)

So…..all of that long thingymajig above was meant to show where I stood in concern to our friendship. I loved/love her a lot but was incapable due to my own inhibitions and stupidity, to do what was rightfully needed to maintain the balance that we once prided ourselves on. None of this really came to the surface until blighted 2012 though, for in that year I had been going through some “things”. Emotional nonsense. I had been locked away in my room, with almost no social interaction due to my migration and subsequent fall into an office at the ripe old age of 17. Social interaction was just so freaking important to me, because it kept the noise and the depressing thoughts away. When the buffers (my friends) left, I was dealing with a scundle of bunt, going all the way back to my masochistic days. It just made me morose, and the image of optimism that I had managed to keep in place for years–already very shaky, fell away. I was reeling with the thoughts that yet again my childhood, remained some elusive fantasy in the outer galaxy, for there I was working while my friends were doing Sixth Form or entering college. It made me angry, and the internal fires kept building. To ease the pressure, I wrote some poetry, but it didn’t solve everything. I couldn’t stand my mother’s nagging, especially when it kept reminding me that I had never been a child, and here I was being forced to listen to her. Building the fires even higher was the fact that her thoughtless recounts, and in some instances, exaggerations of my behaviour drove the entire family up a wall in relation to me. Every little freaking thing that I did was seen as some form of my rebellion or my “evil nature”. How was I supposed to be happy, and good or funking sweet when all I wanted was to curl up in a corner and submerge myself? How was I supposed to undo the subtle rebellious streak that had been working its way through me, and get myself to do what the mother wanted? It made me angry at every stage, and if I even breathed funny it became a point of complaint. I never wanted to come to America in the first place, and there I was floundering with little to no grounding point, and to make matters worse, Gran ups and dies. Yippee. Oh joy.

Going home for that week for the funeral, turned out bad. Very bad. Apparently my true inner “evil” had come out to roost. I was apparently being selfish, and inconsiderate and rude. Blah, blah, blah. All I wanted was to read books and talk with my friends while enjoying being in my own bed, in my own house, in my own country. Since I had become so outspoken, I had made the mistake of stating to my cousin that she would not be sleeping in my bed. Oh God. How wicked of me. No the adults hadn’t asked me, the child had, and I really do not like having anyone in bed with me for any reason whatsoever. That night, I certainly had to hear a thing or two, and by the end of that hour long lecture from my mother, her sisters, and my hurt uncle (not that uncle) whose daughter was supposed to sleep with me , I just chose to sleep on my bedroom floor for the girl took over my entire bed. That one skinny kid. Oh no. Who told me to do that. By the time I got back to America, the demand was in for me to apologise to my uncle for supposedly telling him (Note we had no discussion) that his daughter could not sleep in my bed.Of course, not ignoring how evil I was for choosing to sleep on the floor just because I didn’t want to share my bed, and just because I didn’t want to sleep with a bed wetter. Seriously? I spent approximately 17 years of my life wetting beds and I’m afraid to sleep with a bed-wetter. Huh. I must be missing something there. Then there was the general family upset that Gran was disappointed in me before her death and I have a feeling that they think I aided the cancer in it’s final stages…….Ah well, I was dealing with an internal shipload of emotional nonsense from every end, then mom decides to tell dad that she’s fed up of my behaviour. To this moment I have no idea what the conversation was really about, for my father called me at work and told me that mom was kicking me out and that I should pack my bags. I was fuming. Fuming mad. I felt royally betrayed. That she could do that, without at least telling me herself?! By the time I made it down to the cafeteria, I had broken down in tears. Frankly, I do not freaking cry for anything. Nothing. I don’t know what all the tears were for, my feeling of betrayal, my anger or the frustration that I was drowning internally and didn’t know which way to turn. I texted all of my close circle from back home, Adurna included. All were reasonably concerned, but I don’t know what exactly pushed me over the edge where she was concerned. In a moment when I felt cornered, and hurt and lost she said some things that when viewed from my perspective added to the hurt. What the others said was important sure, but I wanted her of all people to get “it”, and at that moment, she didn’t. We were texting, and I saw one little word wrong, and all hell broke lose. The temper that I had contained for so long, the one that had made me desirous of punching walls, and mirrors, standing over lighted stove burners with my skin and setting searing hot knives to my arm unleashed in a torrent of words.

No, I did not insult her in the conventional manner of speaking. I did worse, tread on the grounds of our friendship in my moment of hurt. The insecurity which had always existed, the one which let me know that she was better than me in so many ways, the one I thought I had conquered, reared its ugly head.  I had never let my words be led by my temper before and it was the worst mistake of my life. I accused her of thinking, that I had with my penchant for negativity, affected her in some way and told her that I’d been waiting a while to hear it from her. Now for most people, something like that just sounds amusing, but with the level of maturity that we were blessed(or cursed) with and the fact that most of our serious conversations bordered on intellectual discourses of human psyche, etc. it was seen as an insult to our friendship. I can’t say it wasn’t, for if I could become upset for her “daring” to think that I would go against her with a friend, why wouldn’t something to that extent hurt her? I felt so angry with myself for crossing that line, and although I apologised as soon as I realised that I had misunderstood, that particular slip up did not go down well. Hard to ignore something like that when you’ve put up with an idiot like me for so long 😀

What left her finger tips and flitted across my cell phone screen shook me to my core. For the first time in my life words made no sense to me. I had to message my other friends to be certain I was understanding it correctly. The one thing I had always prized the most was kicked out from under me as realisation set in. The one secret fear that had always managed to lie hidden, came right out in a few simple words. She’d called our relationship an “imitation of friendship”. My poor brain simply could not fathom a single thing. Was I really that awful? Had I really just let myself insert my foot all  the way past my mouth and into my stomach? Pushed her to such a degree of hurt that she would question the very existence of there ever being a friendship? I was just so confused that night. By the time that weekend was over,  I was kicking myself for messing up a perfectly good friendship with my insecurities and stupidity. Within a week, we discussed it….to a certain extent, but I kept my mouth shut, and refrained from blogging about it. I didn’t want to write anything when I knew I would be incapable of objectivity and could hurt someone I love all over again. It was exhausting controlling all of that.

Around the same time, I couldn’t help but feel that I was losing my guy best friend too. Wolf was the person I spoke with the most even before I left Guyana and got stuck here. He and I spoke almost all day, and it wasn’t hard to find me texting him randomly. Our relationship had peeked to such an extent when I went home that one week, that I was practically oozing love. Now it just makes me gag to think about it, but it wasn’t bad from an outside perspective, just bad to the one who preferred emotional distances. I was in love with him, loved him, and was probably heading to adoration and a pedestal above Adurna’s–they were always equal in my life. I’d become so wrapped in him that my initial….hurt and partial embarrassment over our break-up the year before didn’t matter. I really can’t begin to tell you what to call our relationship, for strangely enough we had managed to become closer after the actual break up. We stayed friends even after we had both set out to date our respective first loves, and by some completely strange, hilarious twist we were both single within weeks of each other. Not amusing at the time, unless you’re like me. For me, I handled my split pretty well, I had already moved on from the first love in a way, because I had had to suppress all thoughts of him to be with Wolf the first time around–the official time I mean. Believe me when I say I’m always kicking myself for that one. I don’t regret doing it, but I do feel pretty stupid that I did it. Anyway, the point is, we were close. Then all communication just withered off to the degree of a desert with a trickle of water running through it. It began to feel like our relationship all over again. Me, being the loving, concerned idiot making the effort to fund overseas phone calls while he was the happy go-lucky fellow “enjoying” his depression, his friends, shutting me out and thinking that it was normal to go from daily forms of communication to the only communication being me calling him up out of the blue to see if he was alive. It seemed that all those times I had given him leeway in our “relationship” by ignoring what I felt to deal with how he felt were beginning to come back and bite me in the ass. He really is another post all on his own. Maybe, I am being hard on him though. Hard to decide when things stop being just a slip up and start becoming a reason to worry. I was hurt at first. Really hurt, but it didn’t really kick me in the gut until the fight with Adurna, and the battle with my parents. ‘Cause now, it really was just me all over again. I’d been pining away stupidly over friendships that were apparently meaningless and for the first time mommy dearest was looking pretty right about friendships.

It got so, so, so tiring. Those days or weeks or months passed, and I couldn’t tell what they were anymore. Time didn’t mean anything much with the haze of pain I was struggling through. It felt difficult to roll out of my bed in the morning, and get into the bath. Staring out my window with the cold glass against my forehead into the night was just empty. No poetry, even though I tried, could express what I felt looking out that window. I settled into a back and forth cycle of listlessness, and anguish. I couldn’t quite figure out which way was up or down. It took me a while to figure out that the bed-wetting was returning too. Apparently my bladder is connected to my friends. Need I say humiliating? Some fantastic precursor to my 18th year. Couldn’t even breathe actually. Chest actually hurt. Felt so lightheaded, that I couldn’t help but figure that maybe my health was suffering too. The closest I had come to being ill was when I spent about 3 days trying not to talk to Adurna. Literally came down with a fever and headache those what was it, three days? But this was worse. I was stumbling around like a drunken person. Couldn’t even climb the stairs to the apartment. I really can’t express in words what it felt like to be that buffeted from all that internal burning. Tumbled from hurt, to rage to……nothingness. Friendship didn’t seem like such a fabulous idea anymore. In fact, the concept looked about pretty shitty to me. I simply couldn’t figure out how in the world two people could mean so much to me that just moving my legs became an effort. Ah well, t’was an awesome year, dear old 2012. I learned my lesson very well.

  • Never, ever, ever let my temper take control of my words.
  • Never, ever, ever hurt my best friend.
  • Never, ever, ever suppress what I feel unless I absolutely need to.
  • Never, ever, ever pass off my own feelings as trivial to make someone else feel better.
  • Do not. Not ever. Make myself so emotionally dependent on other people again. Unless I intend to die 😀

The pain, and subsequent numbness that follows after it, are not worth it. The numbness that brought me to the verge of considering self-harm to force myself to feel something, not worth it. And the place I sit in now with a lack of affection for anyone (online friends have their special reserve of love) because I refuse to put myself there again is……not worth it either.  The best thing about that year was meeting so many friends online, and finding a world outside of the little cocoon I was trapped in, and I do love all of you guys for that, from my WordPress friends to my India-Forums friends. A group of some of the most fantastic people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

***************

Pain

Let You Go?

A long suppressed post that is thankfully not coloured by the internal venom I felt during that period. Happy 2013, everyone!

Kadeen

Sunday, January 12, 2013.

Early Morning Reprieve

5:09. The glaring numbers on my phone barely registered in my bleary mind. I rolled over, unhappy at the thought of leaving my sleepy cocoon. Sighing, I crawled out of bed. The sky had this strange grayish-blue tinge to it. I wondered if some rain was on its way to offer reprieve from this awful heat. Everything was just so quiet. If I was as late as I thought, why hadn’t **Uncle SLF started his preparations as yet? Happy to one up him on the bathroom flow (after yesterday’s debacle) I stepped into the shower.

By 5:22, freshly showered and feeling slightly cool, I re-checked the phone. For a moment I stood in shock.” Nooooo!!!!” I grabbed the bloody talking clock and checked that too. Feeling flabbergasted, I listened to the sardonic commentary of my subconscious as she laughed at me. The time had finally registered on me. Somehow, even though I saw the 5, my mind had tricked me into believing that it was really after six. With resentment my sardonic self and I glared at each other, her amusement clearly written all over her face. “Looks like feeling happy has you completely befuddled kiddo. You must have been pretty far under the cloud, since you’re even thinking of Sugar Clouds now.” I rolled my eyes at her smirking face.

 By 5:40, I was lotioned and dressed. I had no clue what to do with myself. Even uncle SLF was still sound asleep. Then it hit me, when last did I do anything unhurriedly in the morning?  I smiled contentedly and proceeded to pack my lunch and breakfast leisurely. I considered making myself a cup of tea, just to sit and enjoy the chirping birds. Unfortunately, it’s way too hot for tea. So, I did something I haven’t done in a really long time. I sat on my bed, and grabbed my Bible Study Guide. This week’s lesson looks at King Hezekiah and the battle against Sennacherib-the Assyrian King.

King Sennacherib had the people of Judah under heavy siege. He’d been winning battles against everyone around the area. In fact, winning battles was a family trade. His dad and his dad before him, and so on had been conquering surrounding nations for generations. Instead, of being afraid of him, King Hezekiah had the citizens of Judah repair the broken city walls, fix the towers, and block off the springs that led in and out of the city. He made and stocked up on weapons, and then he laid out a pretty interesting speech before his people.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of the king of Assyria and the vast army with him. For there is a greater power with us than with him. With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the Lord our God to help us and fight our battles.” 2 Chronicles 32: 7,8

For those of you who don’t indulge in stories of war or read the Bible, think of it this way. You remember those times you had to hide from a bully, or from some punishment you just knew your parents/guardians were gonna lay on you? In the case of the bully, who’s probably beaten up like 20 kids before you, let’s say you grabbed all the rocks and sticks you could find. You hide them in your bag, in your shoes, in your pockets, in your desk, around the expected “battleground”. In your mind you keep telling yourself, “Hey, if anything goes wrong, if this shizzle gets too real, there’s one person who’s got your back.”

 If it’s the big blow-up with your parents, you get home early, stock up on food, and prepare your room. You call round to your friends. Then you call your favourite relative to ease things over for you. You pull yourself together, and although you’re a little shaky, you think, “Atleast aunty A/ uncle B is gonna defend me.”

 If you can’t relate to that, think X-box vibes. You’re in Gears of War and the Locusts have you surrounded. Or you’re in C.O.D. MW3 and the Russians ambush your team. You’ve got enough ammo, but your teammates have never battled a force like this. Bombs are aimed at you. Rocket launchers are waiting. Or You’re in C.O.D. World at War, playing Zombie mode. You’re trying to fix the walls and windows while keeping some really hungry zombies at bay.

By now, you should get the point. The people of Judah were completely outnumbered and surrounded by a group of tough, wiry, burly warriors who didn’t give a bum about those in the city. They just wanted another victory under their caps, well helmets. The Assyrian King was so certain of the victory, that he mocked the citizens’ confidence and preparations. His speech was longer than King Hezekiah’s so I’m going to spare you the details. Needless to say, the Judaeans made their phone call to the higher power pretty quickly, and He answered loud and clear. The Assyrians were annihilated. God sent an angel to rid his people of those terrifying Assyrians. (Yes, it is like getting to call in an artillery strike, or one of those amazing aircrafts in C.O.D. MW3). Then after losing the battle, King Sennacherib headed home feeling ashamed and lame. There he was killed by some of his sons.

A gory story to say the least, but it hit home the point for me. Something that I’ve been understanding this week. I have literally been waking up with pain each morning, not in my mind, but the kind of heartache that spreads through you till you can feel it actually hurting you physically. I talk to God, not as often as I should, but I talk to Him. The problem is, I don’t think I talk with Him. I trust Him yes, but while I let Him work, there’s still a constant desire to remain in control. Reading Sara’s post on Self-Harm- An Emergency Exit   made me realise that while I may not hurt my physical body, I torture my psychological one. In trying to control everything I feel and how I perceive myself, it hasn’t been about making myself feel better, it’s been about magnifying pain to balance out the shame and guilt I suppress. (See ‘Pain’ )This isn’t an entirely new discovery for me, but this is the first time I’ve seen how it affects my relationship with God and with people. After I unloaded a ton of crap on Adurna the other night, I realised that some issues I thought I had dealt with were still hosting a dance-a-ton on their open grave. Self-doubt, insecurities, lack of faith, inabilities to surrender and be vulnerable will always lay siege to my life. Those aren’t things that I can control. Trying to control them on my own won’t work. So I’ve got to send out that call for the heavy- duty artillery. I have to look to Him for the deliverance. Seeing those punch lines and the “other eyes” section of my quarterly have pounded that in. Seeing the title of this quarter’s Youth Sabbath School Bible Study Guide has impacted me just as much as the reading. It’s called “Unrequited Love”. I don’t think I’ve been returning the agape love God has poured on me, so the title suits.

Punch Lines- pp 47 (Cornerstone Connections, Youth Sabbath School Study Guide, 2nd Quarter)

“I lift up mine eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth” -Psalm 121: 1,2 NIV

“Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God himself will fight for you”- Deuteronomy 3:22 NIV

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God” -Psalm 20: 7

“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s” – 2 Chronicles 20: 15 NIV

“What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?- Romans 8:31 NIV

“Other Eyes” -pp 47 (Cornerstone Connections, Youth Sabbath School Study Guide, 2nd Quarter)

Don’t waste life in doubts and fears; spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour’s duties will be the best preparation for the hours and ages that will follow it.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson, 19th-century U.S. poet, lecturer, essayist.

“We gain strength, courage and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face…. We must do that which we think we cannot.” – Eleanor Roosevelt, 20th-cemturyU.S. humanitarian, United Nations diplomat, First Lady.

I’m not sure how long this epiphany will last, but it certainly has been a reprieve from the barrage of wounds I self-inflict. Who knew being off-kilter from peace could be this useful? Boy does it feel good to wake up without pain in the morning!

**not the uncle

C.O.D-Call of Duty

MW3-Modern Warfare 3

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Kit-Kat

Kittya

June 22, 2012