When the walls of indifference slip away for a moment,

There is terror in my soul,

A fear so poignant, and suffocating it staggers me;

Making the darkness of my sins’ meanings,

Pale virginally against the riptide of the fear,

The terror that corrodes my thought and gesture.

And under the weight of it all, I am so naked,

Unable to avoid the image of you;

You not wanting me;

Closing doors upon me;

The doors of your heart,

Windows of your eyes.

And it is under this spear of petrification

that my body freezes,

Skin and bones shattering

as teeth chatter painfully in silence;

The silence of your words,

And the deafness of your eyes;

Even as your ears are blind to my love,

and to my sorrow.

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Sunday, November 10, 2013. Aunty Kean’s birthday 20.44hrs

A Little Bit of the Inside: A Small Glimpse of My Less Sophisticated Half

When I first joined the blogosphere, I don’t believe I had really embraced it. I just saw blogging as one way to store my poetry and writings without losing them. I never intended to turn it into a channel of venting for any personal events that affected me. (The fact that I am writing this post now, is also another bit of a shock for my alter ego.) Then Adurna dragged me over to WordPress. As my first really “best” friend in my teen years (yep, still a teen, I know), I couldn’t help but oblige her. I started off really slowly, uploading the bits and pieces that I had dabbled with over the years. Then I hit a roadblock. It occurred to me that since my “delightful” immigration to the United States, I hadn’t really given writing much of a thought anymore. No, that may be a minor exaggeration. Sure I had tried to improve my other hobbies, music, drawing, photography, speaking, etc; but I had only written 2 poems since I had set foot into this place, and they were both equally depressing. I still don’t read one of them, it makes me ponder  too much on what I might have been thinking that night.

Anyway, with those last installments, I had resigned myself to sitting around reading, and admiring everyone else’s artistic pieces. Then I think I went off into a long (little) spiral of retraction. I pulled myself away from everything and everyone. Being one of my best friends, I think Adurna got hit a bit more than she should have and I doubt she realises to what extent( I’m sowwy!!!). The point is, a few weeks more of that nonsense and perhaps my friends might have been planning my obituary and eulogy (thank God they all have a way with words and art.) Fortunately, that particular phase didn’t last as long as it could have. I was sitting at my desk in the office, just passing away the time, and a bit of inspiration hit me. WordPress seemed to have gotten under my skin.

Opening the page to a new post, I started typing away on something I called Detached. At first it started off soft and smooth, my usual poetic voice, then it skipped into a rhythm that I have never used in my entire writing life. It took on a life of its own. Once I was done, I was just so happy. The little writing block was over. My words were flowing again. I don’t know if it was joy, or relief or just me taking advantage of a good thing, but before I knew it, another one spilled out. This one was for my other best friend, the wolf-child. He too seeped into my life and made it a bit more bright, teaching me things that he doesn’t even realise. (I have to admit that somewhere, in all that love I have for him and Adurna, I may have rejuvenated a small crush I had on him.) Of course, now that I’ve learned to trust all in my circle of friends, they too know this. After all, they were stuck listening to me talk about everything that  happened to my usually unaffected mind, from the days prior to Sun, Sand and Sea to the more uuum, mature Harmony. Ironically, all the things that they were forced to listen to, drew us closer, not farther apart. Even that little glimpse into my diary ( I kept one once in my entire life), caught them by surprise. Not often do the people around me get a direct link into the thought processes of my mind. All those little tidbits serve to show the difference between my outer façade, and the little child I have inside, and the teen that tries to take control, as well as that overly mature voice that attempts to keep me from doing anything that might alter my life too rashly. Yes, I do think I have a personality crisis brewing on the winds, but this just portrays how my interest in WordPress is something out of the ordinary for me.

When my grandmother died a few days after my poetic outbursts, I came online that night and just sat skyping with Wolf, numbly I should say. What I was thinking, I just couldn’t process. Not to mention, when I talk with him, I just can’t seem to stay too depressed. He has away of making everything seem funny without realising it, and I tend to bring out my very repressed funny voice (tinged with my usual sarcasm, cynicism, and pessimism of course 😀 ). Which meant that once I got off the computer that night, I hadn’t quite said all the things that were playing on rewind and fast forward in my mind.

Somehow, this newly agitated version of my normally nonchalant self, found herself blogging on WordPress about that sad night. I let out a few of the emotions that I just couldn’t find the words to speak, not even to my closest friends. I sat and I thought and I wrote. That may have been one of the first times that any emotion that I kept repressed, was allowed to dance freely in the work that I write. Once the words left my mind, I felt a sense of ease. I hadn’t said all that I wanted to say, but those things that came out were enough. Enough to help my friends understand another puzzle piece of my life. I updated the post and then sent word along to all the friends that I thought needed to read it. Once they did, I stopped thinking of it as personal. Those who needed to know and comprehend, had done so, and now the rest of the world could share in an experience that we all must face at some point.

I just want to send a hug along for Adurna. As I sit here typing, I’m smiling because I know you’ve been getting all these wonderful and warm words of love and affection from all your online buddies, and that with your free nature, you’re definitely soaring on an artist’s high. So today, I’m sending a friend’s “hi’ and “high” along to you. Thank you for being the first person that I truly trusted, and for being the first one that made me love from the heart again, without the fear of being vulnerable. Also, thank you for the introduction to WordPress, I’m so happy that I’m off that writer’s block and I love reading all those amazing stories from everyone’s lives. And of course, I think I’ll thank both of us, for the years we spent switching alter egos back and forth, so that we could both find what we needed for those days.

Well, I think that’s enough lovey, goopy, mushy stuff from me today. I think I’ll return to the cynical side of me.

Have a great day everyone!!!


Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Sunday, April 22, 2012.