To say I love you would be a lie.
Love,
A thing I neither understand nor can give.
A power I can neither receive nor accept.
I can say though, that I did care
That I do care
Too much for my own good
And in the eyes of those lovers
Those who can give and only give
What I have done
And what I will do
Would be a blasphemy-
The sin of letting go.
I cannot hold on.
There is no strength.
No more will to fight for both you and me.
Did I try?
Or is it, Did I try hard enough?
Am I being too selfish?
Too weak?
Making mountains out of molehills?
Destroying little for the want of too much?
Am I wrong?
I don’t know anymore.
I just don’t have the strength for tears
Nor fears
The energy for immovable walls crumbling
To be built again.
No more weakest marauding as the strongest
No more musical renditions played and replayed
In the hopes of perfection
The perfection of wholeness
Togetherness
The unbounded liberty of open Heart’s gates and never ending symphonies.
It is the end.
The finale of Hope’s dances
and Joy’s touch.
I am sorry.
I truly am.
Am I wrong?
I guess I am;
To have touched you,
And opened the irons of your Heart’s gates
With the keys you gifted me
Only to drop them in the mud
And turn my back on the beckoning sign
I am sorry to have made this more me than you
But I cannot
I really can’t
Do it all anymore.
My fault you see,
This careless finale
But I still cannot
Really cannot
Do it all anymore
The holding on or the letting go
For things will never be the same
Nor will they be better
For there will be me
And my doubts
And my questions
…….
Will I be there?
Yes.
Can I be there?
No.
………
It will only be a shell
Both of you
Of me
And of It:
The “we” who existed.
So,
Another silent goodbye,
Ended with my version of I love you–
I tried.
Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron
Saturday, July 27, 2013 23.44