To say I love you would be a lie.

Love,

A thing I neither understand nor can give.

A power I can neither receive nor accept.

I can say though, that I did care

That I do care

Too much for my own good

And in the eyes of those lovers

Those who can give and only give

What I have done

And what I will do

Would be a blasphemy-

The sin of letting go.

 

 

I cannot hold on.

There is no strength.

No more will to fight for both you and me.

 

 

Did I try?

Or is it, Did I try hard enough?

Am I being too selfish?

Too weak?

Making mountains out of molehills?

Destroying little for the want of too much?

Am I wrong?

 

 

I don’t know anymore.

 

 

I just don’t have the strength for tears

Nor fears

The energy for immovable walls crumbling

To be built again.

No more weakest marauding as the strongest

No more musical renditions played and replayed

In the hopes of perfection

The perfection of wholeness

Togetherness

The unbounded liberty of open Heart’s gates and never ending symphonies.

It is the end.

The finale of Hope’s dances

and Joy’s touch.

 

 

I am sorry.

I truly am.

Am I wrong?

I guess I am;

 

 

To have touched you,

And opened the irons of your Heart’s gates

With the keys you gifted me

Only to drop them in the mud

And turn my back on the beckoning sign

I am sorry to have made this more me than you

But I cannot

I really can’t

Do it all anymore.

 

 

My fault you see,

This careless finale

But I still cannot

Really cannot

Do it all anymore

The holding on or the letting go

For things will never be the same

Nor will they be better

For there will be me

And my doubts

And my questions

…….

Will I be there?

Yes.

Can I be there?

No.

………

It will only be a shell

Both of you

Of me

And of It:

The “we” who existed.

So,

Another silent goodbye,

Ended with my version of I love you–

I tried.

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron

Saturday, July 27, 2013 23.44