I realise that I have never written here when I’m happy, though I wouldn’t quite define my state of being as happy. I simply. Am. It feels relieving. I don’t know what exactly it was two weekends ago, somewhere between scrolling the beginnings of the book of Matthew, and attempting to keep Sabbath in its entirety, it just happened. Nothing like being able to see the world with my old clarity again. So since I’m there right now, I figured, why not write about what I’ve always planned to do.
Originally the aim was to become to a doctor. Believe it or not, I was always fascinated with babies, and the observation of pregnancy. I do believe it may have had something to do with the beauty of seeing innocence and beauty enter the world, watching it slowly bloom in an abdomen until it finally becomes the living breathing delight we see. When most of the family expected me to head into Law because of my gift with words, I was trying to figure out what my name would sound like with a “Dr” attached to it. During the last two years or so, I lost sight of all of that. I lost sight of the fact that I had once wanted to go to Johns Hopkins University, and work there once my internship and residency were over with. I forgot that I wanted to see myself walk in that white coat, and I completely forgot about that bit of land that I know is specifically reserved for my home (InshaAllah as my Muslim friends say). It was a lovely dream, with children and a long industrious career. And that dream morphed into a desire to one day open up a hospital in my homeland, and the plan of one day adopting two little girls into my burgeoning family circle.
Last evening, I had a chance to really think about some of that again. I looked at it all carefully and came to the conclusion. I know that one day there will be a foundation under my initials known as “The Red Rose Foundation”. Red for blood. Blood which signifies life, and living, and tomorrows, and hopes. It is only when that blood is lost, when the leaves of the rose are wilted, and the green of the stems are gone, that the hope disappears. As long as the rose bushes are cared for, beautiful, gorgeous red roses will bloom signifying life every season. And under “The Red Rose Foundation”, I’ve so far decided that there will be the hospital, the counselling centre, the library, the learning centre, and the orphanage. With time, I may expand on that idea.
As I walk through the hallways of my college each day, I remember that I am bursting with thoughts. That I really am still a brilliant hub of synapses waiting to be put to use in just the right way. My options are wide open. I can still be the author I’ve slowly started to dream of and work towards. Everyday my skills as a musician improve. With time, and practice my sketches will get better and better, and I know that I am an all rounder. Everything I lay my hand on, works for me and the possibilities are endless. I just have to decide, and aim, and step out.
Now that I’ve made up my mind to do that double major in Biology and Psychology, I can see it even clearer that I will be able to have my dual career as a psychologist and obstetrician-gynaecologist. Every year of my youth that I’ve added on, I’ve known that each life experience has been placed before me only to help me become more empathetic, more sympathetic, more capable of relating, and that will one fine day aid me in the way I approach my patients, be they those with mental issues, or those who are adding a new life to the world. Whether I head to Loma Linda University(another old dream because I’ve always wanted to head to a SDA college), or Columbia I’ll be covered. Medical school, and my masters and doctorate in Psychology will turn up when they need to–after alot of my “Holy. Sh8t. Screw. This. Crap.” moments–and those million and one novels and short stories with a certain “by: Dr. Kittya Cullen” on the cover will appear too.
The future is bright. The pen remains in my hand. The camera is always at the tip of my fingers. I am bursting with words. I am moving and learning and seeing. I see where I am heading. I know where I am going, and with a lot of application, some serendipity (God‘s blessings), and a bout of depression or two, I’ll be quite fine on my end of the world. It’s good to be able to see the world clearly again. All the misery of 2012, and the spiral of the years before was completely worth it. I’ve stepped across that amusing perception I had managed to drag myself into of the past, and confronted it as precisely the way it was. Nothing will change it, no matter how many questions I ask or answers I seek….so in some ways, I’ll be dancing in the old me, with a little bit of the new me. The balance has been found. For now. 😉