Today, I find it so ironic the way my life has played out. In some ways I am the secret keeper for myself and others, and that very same position has constantly locked me in a box that I will never be able to escape. I guess what once again brought the point home for me today was seeing my mother’s reaction to the knowledge that one of my close friends had been raped/molested eventually resulting in her fleeing her home. The ensuing conversation between mother and I just seemed too close to home in a way. Having her pull me into a conversation that required me to explain what goes through the mind of a victim without actually revealing that I was once upon a time in a similar position was….uncomfortable to say the least. I remember when I was younger I would try not to move or breathe when the topic of abuse came up, because I didn’t want to give the secret away by even shifting an inch at the wrong moment. Then to have her say that usually the family doesn’t believe the person who tells his/her story tonight just sort of put the icing on the cake. All I kept muttering to myself was to maintain control and not tell her to shut up because I knew and understood to some extent how difficult it was to balance family and secrets and memories and conflicting emotions. I guess that’s what brought me to write this short post up here, because being the secret keeper doesn’t exactly leave room for many confidantes. Ah well.

Silence of the Night

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Silence of The Night

Bitter cold within my bones,
Moonless night to hide all fears.
Sightless eyes glare darkly.
Sour stench that suffocates me,
But the sounds of the lonely night are silent.
You ask,”Where is the sound of a car?
The whisper of a leaf?
The dragging footsteps of despair?”

I tell you,
“Listen to the silence.
The words behind dark curtains.
The cries within barred lips.
The smothered screams under thick pillows.”
You look at me so innocently.
Then you ask,
“But how can there be noise in silence?”

I smile softly and whisper to you,
“Learn to hear the silence in the sound,
Then you will understand the sound in the silence.
Listen to the hidden message behind dry eyes,
Then you will understand the sound in silence.
Taste the agony in mirthless laughter,
Then you will understand the sound in silence.
Feel the desolation of silences unheard,
Then you will truly hear the sound in silence.”

I watch your tender child-thoughts,
They play across your delicate brow.
A tear falls from my eye,
Caressing your curious face
As I hear the silent sounds you are yet to scream.

Sunday, August 14, 2011.

Kadeen Nichelle Oksana Waldron